4.24.2006

It's tough...

...being a mom. Not negatively tough (well, it is sometimes, but that's not what I mean this time) but heart-wrenchingly tough. I dropped B off at his first "real" daycare today and it totally pulled at my heart. Dave and I have been hyping him up about how cool his new school is and how many friends he's going to make and all the new things he's going to learn so that when he transitioned from the in-home daycare to this one he wouldn't get blindsided, ya know? So, although we'd been preparing him, I don't really think I prepared *myself* well enough. I left the parking lot after dropping him off and lost it! I think it's because we'd been telling him that it was "school" so it almost felt like one of those first day moments where you wish you had your camera and everything and you kinda wish that he would've held onto you as you walked him into the room (B didn't, by the way...he ran straight for the toys and started chatting up a storm with a precious little girl in the toddler room...flirt. lol). I think it's just hard for me to accept that he's getting older. Growing up. Branching out and not needing me as much. I know that that's what I signed up for when I became a mom, but it's tough to deal with.

It's like when people tell you when you're pregnant how much a baby will change your life. You're thinking "um, duh!" but you can't really grasp the concept of the intensity of the change until you actually HAVE that baby. Until you've stayed up with him while he screams because his stomach hurts. Until you've rocked him to sleep until your arms felt like they were going to fall off because you don't want to lay him down. Until you've been soaked through by the sheer volume of water that splashes up out of the bathtub. Until you've heard that first little cry or that first little laugh or witnessed that first shaky step or that first insanely awkward bite of food. But I know that now. I know that certain milestones in his life are going to be tough for me to deal with. That I may cry and I may scream and I may show no emotion whatsoever and that any of those responses are ok, because I'm his Mom. It's my job to cry, to scream, to sigh, and to pray that by doing the best job I can as his Mom will pay off. That he'll become a wonderful, curious, respectful, loving, kind man one day and that he'll remember just how much room he takes up in my heart. That he fills a void I never knew even existed until I saw those two pink lines one snowy February morning. As his mama that's all I can wish for; and I hope and pray that he knows that although it was difficult for me to drop him off this morning, it was also a wonderous and fulfilling part of my job and I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world.

6 comments:

Jenny J said...

I hate you because that totally made me cry because I can see you losing it as you drive off and it breaks my heart for you..and makes me face the fact that I will have to do the same thing soon. :( But, I really don't hate you. I love you!

oceans4 said...

Your post has so much truth to it girl. I am not looking forward to my girls first days of school. I know I will lose it too. I hope he has a great first day though:)

**CARRIE** said...

I bet you are a GREAT MOM!!

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Adrienne " A little dramatic at times" said...

FANTASTIC ENTRY!!!!

Jaime said...

I can relate girlie..and I know that I'll be facing this again come August when Jill starts Pre-K....*sigh* (((HUGS)))

Michelle W. said...

love your blog and your entry!

Michelle

 
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